Those who have been following my rants and raves KNOW that I've really, truly been struggling, within and without, to come to grips with a lot of really hard, horrible, painful things in my life. Some recent, some semi-recent, and the rest in the distant past, yet it all has struck me with such thunder; my ears are nearly deaf to it, and yet are so overwhelmed.
I'm trying to clean out one of my email accounts, and I found the following email lost in the myriads of others. The subject line had my catch-name, "Chewy" in it, and I never use that outside of this site or Facebook, so I knew that somehow, someone out there had at least taken the time to figure out what to call me. Through freshly watered eyes, as I just had yet another painful does of reality slap me in the face, from seeing another very unwanted email, I opened up one that came from the Wayseers:
~*~Dear Chewy,
You are amazing. Many do not understand the Wayseer nature; but
you can rest assured ...
The Wayseer experience is no more than this:
A heroic soul born inhumanely sensitive
desperately in need of true connection.
To you ... a touch is a blow, a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a daydream is a
premonition, strictness is suffocation, and completion is death.
Add to this brutally sensitive soul the overwhelming need to
heal, create, and transform -- so that without the outpouring
of honesty, the creating of music or poetry or something of
meaning your very breath is cut off ...
You must create, must pour out your entire being in each and
every encounter. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency you do
not feel truly alive unless you are risking everything through
your divine expressions.
Thank you for having the courage to create ... to transform ...
to be.
For without your courage
the world would grow dull and listless
and the rest of us who are like you
would not have your courageous acts to lean on
to inspire our own.
Rise up,
~*~
It was signed by someone named Garret. I had -started- to sign up for their web site, but then they wanted money, so I backed out. Somehow, someone over there figured out who I am -- or one of you passed my info along, I don't know. Anyway, this email will forever stay in my email account, because it IS so me, in ways that so few really understand from seeing this in me, in person. Well, too many people have seen it in me -- and most people hate me for it. Which was the big reason I was just crying a few minutes ago. I'm really struggling to understand pretty much -everything- that's been done to me that was so wrong and cruel. I don't get it. I'm trying to though. Not to justify it, but to understand the reasons for it. I don't know if I ever will. I do know one thing: I really just wanted to give up this morning. I looked over at Sam and realized he needs me, so that would be stupid. I've already lost so much, and with being threatened to lose 170+ friends all in a heart-beat just because someone out there decided to have a hissy-fit after I was nice to them, plus finding that other unwanted email, I just felt like I couldn't bear it all anymore. I don't understand this world. I can barely cope with it at all. I don't know what gets into people: why people feel the need to act as they do sometimes. I could dream up a thousand +1 excuses for it, but really, those are just band-aids. And yet I'm stuck with dealing with so much GARBAGE from people -- and I just don't know why. I've done the best I could to do what people have asked me to, when it wasn't stupid, and even then, there are just some people who -can't- be pleased. They refuse to be happy. They just play games. I wonder if maybe they -have- given up. If maybe they each think that life and the world are so stupid that it's just not worth it to really -live- in either anymore. Like it's not worth it to take that chance, to take risks, to really love and be loved, because everyone else is just playing the same stupid games for the same reasons -- and we all fall down...
I'm trying to clean out one of my email accounts, and I found the following email lost in the myriads of others. The subject line had my catch-name, "Chewy" in it, and I never use that outside of this site or Facebook, so I knew that somehow, someone out there had at least taken the time to figure out what to call me. Through freshly watered eyes, as I just had yet another painful does of reality slap me in the face, from seeing another very unwanted email, I opened up one that came from the Wayseers:
~*~Dear Chewy,
You are amazing. Many do not understand the Wayseer nature; but
you can rest assured ...
The Wayseer experience is no more than this:
A heroic soul born inhumanely sensitive
desperately in need of true connection.
To you ... a touch is a blow, a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a daydream is a
premonition, strictness is suffocation, and completion is death.
Add to this brutally sensitive soul the overwhelming need to
heal, create, and transform -- so that without the outpouring
of honesty, the creating of music or poetry or something of
meaning your very breath is cut off ...
You must create, must pour out your entire being in each and
every encounter. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency you do
not feel truly alive unless you are risking everything through
your divine expressions.
Thank you for having the courage to create ... to transform ...
to be.
For without your courage
the world would grow dull and listless
and the rest of us who are like you
would not have your courageous acts to lean on
to inspire our own.
Rise up,
~*~
It was signed by someone named Garret. I had -started- to sign up for their web site, but then they wanted money, so I backed out. Somehow, someone over there figured out who I am -- or one of you passed my info along, I don't know. Anyway, this email will forever stay in my email account, because it IS so me, in ways that so few really understand from seeing this in me, in person. Well, too many people have seen it in me -- and most people hate me for it. Which was the big reason I was just crying a few minutes ago. I'm really struggling to understand pretty much -everything- that's been done to me that was so wrong and cruel. I don't get it. I'm trying to though. Not to justify it, but to understand the reasons for it. I don't know if I ever will. I do know one thing: I really just wanted to give up this morning. I looked over at Sam and realized he needs me, so that would be stupid. I've already lost so much, and with being threatened to lose 170+ friends all in a heart-beat just because someone out there decided to have a hissy-fit after I was nice to them, plus finding that other unwanted email, I just felt like I couldn't bear it all anymore. I don't understand this world. I can barely cope with it at all. I don't know what gets into people: why people feel the need to act as they do sometimes. I could dream up a thousand +1 excuses for it, but really, those are just band-aids. And yet I'm stuck with dealing with so much GARBAGE from people -- and I just don't know why. I've done the best I could to do what people have asked me to, when it wasn't stupid, and even then, there are just some people who -can't- be pleased. They refuse to be happy. They just play games. I wonder if maybe they -have- given up. If maybe they each think that life and the world are so stupid that it's just not worth it to really -live- in either anymore. Like it's not worth it to take that chance, to take risks, to really love and be loved, because everyone else is just playing the same stupid games for the same reasons -- and we all fall down...
But not everyone. Whoever wrote the copy/paste text that probably was the bulk of that email -- thank you. Whoever actually thought to send it to me, THANK YOU! Thank you for HONORING me. For treating me with dignity and respect. For seeing and liking something in me that most people HATE, especially when they get to know me in person, and really actually have to deal with me. Thank you for showing me that I'm worth something just for WHO I really am, what I'm about, and what I'm like, from the inside out. Thank you for saving my sanity.
I don't know who's actually responsible for my receiving that email. But though it was old, it came just at the right time. Whoever that was, you rocked my world - and the pieces are falling together, one at a time. Thank you.